"They grow up so fast!"

If I had a nickel for every time I heard my own mother say
that lines.... Wow! It is so damn true! Just about everything
my mom said while I was growing up turned out to be. But
like we all probably say, "If I knew then, what I know now..."
The sad thing about our kids today is, they just don't get it.
I believe worse than when I was their age. Because the
technology and era we live in now, was not at all much of
an influence as it is for the kids today. We learned survival.
We learned to grow the way our own parents were taught
by their own parents. And if our own kids had those
aspects, and morals put upon them the way we had
growing up, they'd not be so bad. At least that is my belief
on it anyway.


I look at my kids now, and although my heart smiles to see
them all in one place, and to have them near me, it is
saddened because sometimes it feels they do not know
the morals we try to teach are true. They do not care like
we try to instill in them the values and benefit they can
reap from exercising those values and attributes. They
seem to think we're a damn joke. Makes me sometimes
wonder what they really think about me as their mother.
The one who WANTED THEM in my life before they were
born and after. I was never a perfect, mother of the year!
I just want them to be happy and live the dreams they
always have wanted to achieve in their lives. Not throw
them all away, and for what? Who?!! TO NOT LIVE YOUR
DREAMS, IS TO TRULY DIE!


We have children we hope would be better than us. Yet at
the same time, treat us with the same respect we expect
and were also taught in our own childhood to give and
earn. Some kids just seem to fade themselves away
further and further from the one they've been brought into
this fucked up world by. I didn't make this world the way it
is! Why does my oldest son seem not to want to have much
to do with me? Maybe I will see him at my own funeral when
that time comes. Will he even come? Or will he not because
the woman he marries says she doesn't want to come?


My youngest son, the compassion, fire and spirit he had is
hidden beneath some darkness that I fight to try and keep
alive! But he falls deeper into the maelstrom! I try to teach
him to make better decisions, but he fights me on every
turn. There is a time and a place to joke and play games,
but there is a time not to, and to take things seriously too.
I try to understand him, I truly do. But every time I think I
do, he brings me back to a major WTF, and I am back to
square one. Does he not see that I not only care about
him, I LOVE HIM?! He will be 18 next year. Why does he
feel the way he does? Why does he hate everything and
himself so? What caused his spirit to break the way it has?
What happened?


My daughter. My little beautiful precious! Why does she not
see how beautiful she really is, and that I am not just
saying this because I am her mommy? Who would dare say
such lies to her, and tell her otherwise? What sick minded
person would change my baby girl the way she has today?
How can such a person say they love their child and make
them do things, and experience things because their
twisted philosophies say they need to know when they
say since they will be introduced to it one day anyhow?
What kind of lie is that, and be honest! Where do those lies
come from?! WTF! Why does my daughter not listen to me,
when I try to teach her the rights and wrongs, and to get
her on the right paths? Why does she rebel in her way
against me the way she does? What the hell have I been
thrown here? I wanted my babies back, and no matter
how much I tried, a brick wall kept them from me for their
own selfish purposes. They used MY babies by making
them feel bad, and used guilt trips to keep them away from
me. And I am not supposed to feel some form of animosity?
I will not be pushed down. I just want my babies back! I
want to hold them close and never let go! I know they
grow up, but doesn't mean I cannot still hold them close!
Have them in my life still! I cried silently every day and
because of the mere thought of them! Wanting them
all back with me. All a family the way we are supposed to
be.


Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the very
person(s) you thought would never hurt you.

On another note...while I feel myself falling away and giving
up on myself, feeling that maybe because they've given up
on me, what's the use...I go to the bathroom. Then upon
washing my hands, I look at my reflection. A familiar face
is staring back at me. One I will never forget! One that has
been a strong and steadfast woman. I cannot believe she
is there, and probably always has been. I just didn't see
her until now! The woman who also made mistakes, and
was never perfect. But she was there. She fought hard
too. She struggled, loved and lost, but always loved her
children and then grandchildren. All extensions of herself
as well. I see her look back at me. not with a smile. But
with a desperate expression. one that seems to be wanting
badly to tell me something. Maybe her presence at this
time alone is the message. I do not know. But my mom is
there within all of us. And I have to go on! I just cannot
allow all of this to break me! I cannot keep silent anymore!


I fight hard for the rest of my siblings, AND our own kids, to
keep myself together. Not to fall apart again. The grief is
not gone. It is festering deep inside me. To see my brothers,
sisters and our babies in the state we are in now. It is MY
duty as mom's oldest child, to do what I have been called
to do. To move on and make things happen. Shake us all
back to where we all need to be! And the message is
clear...I cannot help everyone, but I will help many. And
they will listen and depend on me when they have no one
else, and need someone. not just anyone, but strength,
boldness, strong will, a shoulder, shelter, and above all
HOPE! There was that word again. HOPE! From the very
beginning of her physical end. She is not gone! She has
always been right here!!! And this is her legacy!


WHAT THE HELL, and HOLY CRAP! But will they take heed
and listen? "I cannot help everyone, but I will help many."


However we also cannot help those who do not want to be
helped. So does this mean sadly one day, we may see loved
ones in this category?! :'( Why me?! Does she even know
what she left in her wake?