Well, yesterday was supposed to be fun. At least for my younger 2 kids, whose birthdays are a day apart. But, it didn't turn out that way. And ended before it really began.
Had a fun-filled evening trying to sober up my youngest son (16, soon to be 17), while his sister (also disappointed) was downstairs having "Happy Birthday" sung to her by her friends and all, AFTER my sister and her family had to leave amidst the drama that ensued. I didn't even get to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter or my then drunkin son. She will be 15 on the 21st, and he will be 17 on the 22nd.
But that "fun-filled" evening turned into a night at the Hospital, after my sister felt the ambulance should be called, since he never acts the way he did, and was in and out of consciousness. All the while, on and off, talking suicidal things I never thought I'd hear him say. This is my son! One who is very intelligent, and I thought would one day make the right decisions and maybe even change the world. I know we all make mistakes, but here I am seeing a pattern I do not want to even admit could change the rest of his life forever! He violated an already existing probation, that would have ended March 14th, and now I do not know what they're gonna do. I want what is best...THE BEST for him. For all my babies. I promise, I am not one of the social norms. But common sense is what I wish to use and instill. As well as morale, responsibility, truth, and good decision making.
He isn't a "Fuck up" as he had said. He just fucked up! We all have and do sometimes. We just have to brush the dust away and try again. Make it all better. We can change. We just have to want to change. Why he feels no one loves him, is beyond me. He says he is depressed. If only he'd get past this funk of life, and make it better. He includes how he hates life. Well, life can suck, we also have to defeat the adversaties that drop on us day-to-day. The fight is hard, but it makes us hella stronger.
My back is feeling way worse than it had before, and I do not want to tel the doctor really, but know I have to say how it is getting worse, and nothing short of sedation seems to be working. I don't want the surgery he said I may face. I just want it to heal!
I have to admit, I haven't been to my mother's grave in awhile. I feel if I do make it there (back pain even when I move feels like back labor), I will just want to lay there, cry and go to sleep. I miss her so much. Since she passed 2 days before my birthday, June 5, 2010, there has not been one day I do not have her in my thoughts. I cannot get her last words out of my head, even if I tried. They haunt me! Memories and her voice, her smile. I will never be able to hear her or see her smile or feel her hugs ever again. Me and my sisters Dad passed away about 13 yrs. ago, now our mom. Wow! I feel really empty on that level now. I have my kids, however, it's a different level of emptiness. No wish, tear, scream, or action in the world will bring either of them back. I want my mommy!
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