If I had a nickel for every time I heard my own mother say
that lines.... Wow! It is so damn true! Just about everything
my mom said while I was growing up turned out to be. But
like we all probably say, "If I knew then, what I know now..."
The sad thing about our kids today is, they just don't get it.
I believe worse than when I was their age. Because the
technology and era we live in now, was not at all much of
an influence as it is for the kids today. We learned survival.
We learned to grow the way our own parents were taught
by their own parents. And if our own kids had those
aspects, and morals put upon them the way we had
growing up, they'd not be so bad. At least that is my belief
on it anyway.
I look at my kids now, and although my heart smiles to see
them all in one place, and to have them near me, it is
saddened because sometimes it feels they do not know
the morals we try to teach are true. They do not care like
we try to instill in them the values and benefit they can
reap from exercising those values and attributes. They
seem to think we're a damn joke. Makes me sometimes
wonder what they really think about me as their mother.
The one who WANTED THEM in my life before they were
born and after. I was never a perfect, mother of the year!
I just want them to be happy and live the dreams they
always have wanted to achieve in their lives. Not throw
them all away, and for what? Who?!! TO NOT LIVE YOUR
DREAMS, IS TO TRULY DIE!
We have children we hope would be better than us. Yet at
the same time, treat us with the same respect we expect
and were also taught in our own childhood to give and
earn. Some kids just seem to fade themselves away
further and further from the one they've been brought into
this fucked up world by. I didn't make this world the way it
is! Why does my oldest son seem not to want to have much
to do with me? Maybe I will see him at my own funeral when
that time comes. Will he even come? Or will he not because
the woman he marries says she doesn't want to come?
My youngest son, the compassion, fire and spirit he had is
hidden beneath some darkness that I fight to try and keep
alive! But he falls deeper into the maelstrom! I try to teach
him to make better decisions, but he fights me on every
turn. There is a time and a place to joke and play games,
but there is a time not to, and to take things seriously too.
I try to understand him, I truly do. But every time I think I
do, he brings me back to a major WTF, and I am back to
square one. Does he not see that I not only care about
him, I LOVE HIM?! He will be 18 next year. Why does he
feel the way he does? Why does he hate everything and
himself so? What caused his spirit to break the way it has?
What happened?
My daughter. My little beautiful precious! Why does she not
see how beautiful she really is, and that I am not just
saying this because I am her mommy? Who would dare say
such lies to her, and tell her otherwise? What sick minded
person would change my baby girl the way she has today?
How can such a person say they love their child and make
them do things, and experience things because their
twisted philosophies say they need to know when they
say since they will be introduced to it one day anyhow?
What kind of lie is that, and be honest! Where do those lies
come from?! WTF! Why does my daughter not listen to me,
when I try to teach her the rights and wrongs, and to get
her on the right paths? Why does she rebel in her way
against me the way she does? What the hell have I been
thrown here? I wanted my babies back, and no matter
how much I tried, a brick wall kept them from me for their
own selfish purposes. They used MY babies by making
them feel bad, and used guilt trips to keep them away from
me. And I am not supposed to feel some form of animosity?
I will not be pushed down. I just want my babies back! I
want to hold them close and never let go! I know they
grow up, but doesn't mean I cannot still hold them close!
Have them in my life still! I cried silently every day and
because of the mere thought of them! Wanting them
all back with me. All a family the way we are supposed to
be.
Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the very
person(s) you thought would never hurt you.
On another note...while I feel myself falling away and giving
up on myself, feeling that maybe because they've given up
on me, what's the use...I go to the bathroom. Then upon
washing my hands, I look at my reflection. A familiar face
is staring back at me. One I will never forget! One that has
been a strong and steadfast woman. I cannot believe she
is there, and probably always has been. I just didn't see
her until now! The woman who also made mistakes, and
was never perfect. But she was there. She fought hard
too. She struggled, loved and lost, but always loved her
children and then grandchildren. All extensions of herself
as well. I see her look back at me. not with a smile. But
with a desperate expression. one that seems to be wanting
badly to tell me something. Maybe her presence at this
time alone is the message. I do not know. But my mom is
there within all of us. And I have to go on! I just cannot
allow all of this to break me! I cannot keep silent anymore!
I fight hard for the rest of my siblings, AND our own kids, to
keep myself together. Not to fall apart again. The grief is
not gone. It is festering deep inside me. To see my brothers,
sisters and our babies in the state we are in now. It is MY
duty as mom's oldest child, to do what I have been called
to do. To move on and make things happen. Shake us all
back to where we all need to be! And the message is
clear...I cannot help everyone, but I will help many. And
they will listen and depend on me when they have no one
else, and need someone. not just anyone, but strength,
boldness, strong will, a shoulder, shelter, and above all
HOPE! There was that word again. HOPE! From the very
beginning of her physical end. She is not gone! She has
always been right here!!! And this is her legacy!
WHAT THE HELL, and HOLY CRAP! But will they take heed
and listen? "I cannot help everyone, but I will help many."
However we also cannot help those who do not want to be
helped. So does this mean sadly one day, we may see loved
ones in this category?! :'( Why me?! Does she even know
what she left in her wake?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Drained, Disappointed and more
Well, yesterday was supposed to be fun. At least for my younger 2 kids, whose birthdays are a day apart. But, it didn't turn out that way. And ended before it really began.
Had a fun-filled evening trying to sober up my youngest son (16, soon to be 17), while his sister (also disappointed) was downstairs having "Happy Birthday" sung to her by her friends and all, AFTER my sister and her family had to leave amidst the drama that ensued. I didn't even get to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter or my then drunkin son. She will be 15 on the 21st, and he will be 17 on the 22nd.
But that "fun-filled" evening turned into a night at the Hospital, after my sister felt the ambulance should be called, since he never acts the way he did, and was in and out of consciousness. All the while, on and off, talking suicidal things I never thought I'd hear him say. This is my son! One who is very intelligent, and I thought would one day make the right decisions and maybe even change the world. I know we all make mistakes, but here I am seeing a pattern I do not want to even admit could change the rest of his life forever! He violated an already existing probation, that would have ended March 14th, and now I do not know what they're gonna do. I want what is best...THE BEST for him. For all my babies. I promise, I am not one of the social norms. But common sense is what I wish to use and instill. As well as morale, responsibility, truth, and good decision making.
He isn't a "Fuck up" as he had said. He just fucked up! We all have and do sometimes. We just have to brush the dust away and try again. Make it all better. We can change. We just have to want to change. Why he feels no one loves him, is beyond me. He says he is depressed. If only he'd get past this funk of life, and make it better. He includes how he hates life. Well, life can suck, we also have to defeat the adversaties that drop on us day-to-day. The fight is hard, but it makes us hella stronger.
My back is feeling way worse than it had before, and I do not want to tel the doctor really, but know I have to say how it is getting worse, and nothing short of sedation seems to be working. I don't want the surgery he said I may face. I just want it to heal!
I have to admit, I haven't been to my mother's grave in awhile. I feel if I do make it there (back pain even when I move feels like back labor), I will just want to lay there, cry and go to sleep. I miss her so much. Since she passed 2 days before my birthday, June 5, 2010, there has not been one day I do not have her in my thoughts. I cannot get her last words out of my head, even if I tried. They haunt me! Memories and her voice, her smile. I will never be able to hear her or see her smile or feel her hugs ever again. Me and my sisters Dad passed away about 13 yrs. ago, now our mom. Wow! I feel really empty on that level now. I have my kids, however, it's a different level of emptiness. No wish, tear, scream, or action in the world will bring either of them back. I want my mommy!
Had a fun-filled evening trying to sober up my youngest son (16, soon to be 17), while his sister (also disappointed) was downstairs having "Happy Birthday" sung to her by her friends and all, AFTER my sister and her family had to leave amidst the drama that ensued. I didn't even get to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter or my then drunkin son. She will be 15 on the 21st, and he will be 17 on the 22nd.
But that "fun-filled" evening turned into a night at the Hospital, after my sister felt the ambulance should be called, since he never acts the way he did, and was in and out of consciousness. All the while, on and off, talking suicidal things I never thought I'd hear him say. This is my son! One who is very intelligent, and I thought would one day make the right decisions and maybe even change the world. I know we all make mistakes, but here I am seeing a pattern I do not want to even admit could change the rest of his life forever! He violated an already existing probation, that would have ended March 14th, and now I do not know what they're gonna do. I want what is best...THE BEST for him. For all my babies. I promise, I am not one of the social norms. But common sense is what I wish to use and instill. As well as morale, responsibility, truth, and good decision making.
He isn't a "Fuck up" as he had said. He just fucked up! We all have and do sometimes. We just have to brush the dust away and try again. Make it all better. We can change. We just have to want to change. Why he feels no one loves him, is beyond me. He says he is depressed. If only he'd get past this funk of life, and make it better. He includes how he hates life. Well, life can suck, we also have to defeat the adversaties that drop on us day-to-day. The fight is hard, but it makes us hella stronger.
My back is feeling way worse than it had before, and I do not want to tel the doctor really, but know I have to say how it is getting worse, and nothing short of sedation seems to be working. I don't want the surgery he said I may face. I just want it to heal!
I have to admit, I haven't been to my mother's grave in awhile. I feel if I do make it there (back pain even when I move feels like back labor), I will just want to lay there, cry and go to sleep. I miss her so much. Since she passed 2 days before my birthday, June 5, 2010, there has not been one day I do not have her in my thoughts. I cannot get her last words out of my head, even if I tried. They haunt me! Memories and her voice, her smile. I will never be able to hear her or see her smile or feel her hugs ever again. Me and my sisters Dad passed away about 13 yrs. ago, now our mom. Wow! I feel really empty on that level now. I have my kids, however, it's a different level of emptiness. No wish, tear, scream, or action in the world will bring either of them back. I want my mommy!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Another Way To Die
We go through life each day, usually on a daily routine. Everyday the same old thing. But for some of us, we have this inner voice that constantly speaks to us. Telling us we want more. We want something other than that daily, relentless, daily routine. We want to live!
Then we try. We make a move. A step out of bounds that the grid deems disobedient, insubordinate, defiant and rebellious. When you step out of their line, they find a way to throw a wedge at you. It may be a warning at first, or an outright punch in the gut. Whichever ball they throw, we have to learn quickly how to throw a curve ball right back at 'em, no sooner from the one they first throw. Sometimes, they place certain people in our lives to keep us on their track of things. To make sure they oversee just what it is we are doing, and become that rift between Freedom or Slavery. After all, you ARE their endentured servant.
When they realize you refuse to continue to be in their state of dronehood, their puppets, they get a hell of a lot harsh. This is when we come to realize this is more than just a simple test. This is a vicious game without rules. However, they make us THINK there are rules to follow, to go by to keep us in line. And if we dare to break them...g_d forbid! Take it a step further by reeducating ourselves in finding out certain untold truths along the way...this is when you become the threat. You're not supposed to speak out for yourself or that of another. You're supposed to be a model puppet in society, that abides by every damn lie they force you to live...if this IS living. The only other alternative they have as their own successful tool against us is FEAR. A tactic in a war far worse and opposing than any this physical realm can imagine. And once you come to learn this strategic move, and learn to overthrow it or better yet, overcome it, you have walked over to the other side. The more you embrace the other side that has now taken you under their wing, the more you should know you're not with THEM (slave master and it's minions) anymore. You are the slave master's enemy, as they are, and always have been...your enemy.
To not truly live, is to wither away and die. Proverbially speaking that is. You have dreams, aspirations you long to achieve and meet with open arms! But in order to get to this point, we find just how difficult THEY go our of their way to keep you from such a success/achievement. One slip up, you're then out of the boundaries of say...a law. They will play whatever card they wish to use against you. So we must prepare ourselves, and Rise Against with a strong hand and iron fist of our own! Take back what has always been ours. Freedom incarnate. Break the shackles and chains that were slapped on us to keep us in one level of consciousness. One level minded way of thought and 'way of life'. Stay in routine! Lest all you know be either stripped from you, or viciously tortured into conversion or compliance. If we do nothing, we get nothing. No result, comes from innaction.
So again I say, to NOT truly live, is wither away. It's another way to die.
Then we try. We make a move. A step out of bounds that the grid deems disobedient, insubordinate, defiant and rebellious. When you step out of their line, they find a way to throw a wedge at you. It may be a warning at first, or an outright punch in the gut. Whichever ball they throw, we have to learn quickly how to throw a curve ball right back at 'em, no sooner from the one they first throw. Sometimes, they place certain people in our lives to keep us on their track of things. To make sure they oversee just what it is we are doing, and become that rift between Freedom or Slavery. After all, you ARE their endentured servant.
When they realize you refuse to continue to be in their state of dronehood, their puppets, they get a hell of a lot harsh. This is when we come to realize this is more than just a simple test. This is a vicious game without rules. However, they make us THINK there are rules to follow, to go by to keep us in line. And if we dare to break them...g_d forbid! Take it a step further by reeducating ourselves in finding out certain untold truths along the way...this is when you become the threat. You're not supposed to speak out for yourself or that of another. You're supposed to be a model puppet in society, that abides by every damn lie they force you to live...if this IS living. The only other alternative they have as their own successful tool against us is FEAR. A tactic in a war far worse and opposing than any this physical realm can imagine. And once you come to learn this strategic move, and learn to overthrow it or better yet, overcome it, you have walked over to the other side. The more you embrace the other side that has now taken you under their wing, the more you should know you're not with THEM (slave master and it's minions) anymore. You are the slave master's enemy, as they are, and always have been...your enemy.
To not truly live, is to wither away and die. Proverbially speaking that is. You have dreams, aspirations you long to achieve and meet with open arms! But in order to get to this point, we find just how difficult THEY go our of their way to keep you from such a success/achievement. One slip up, you're then out of the boundaries of say...a law. They will play whatever card they wish to use against you. So we must prepare ourselves, and Rise Against with a strong hand and iron fist of our own! Take back what has always been ours. Freedom incarnate. Break the shackles and chains that were slapped on us to keep us in one level of consciousness. One level minded way of thought and 'way of life'. Stay in routine! Lest all you know be either stripped from you, or viciously tortured into conversion or compliance. If we do nothing, we get nothing. No result, comes from innaction.
So again I say, to NOT truly live, is wither away. It's another way to die.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
One of those nights
Today is one of those many nights, where I find I either have trouble getting to sleep, or cannot even sleep at all. Tossing, turning, nightmares, you name it. Sometimes, I feel hella tired during the day.
I have to wake up at around 9a/est. My sister will be coming over so we can take a trip to the store. One which is way out from the sticks we live in now. Heh...the sticks. That sounds hilarious. Being a BIG city girl and all. This is way different from what I am used to. And I miss the city. I miss my friends in the city. St. Louis is huge. And here I am in a small town, where you may as well be Norm from Cheers, everybody knows not only your name...but damn near everything they can get their ears on about you. I am not liking that so much. But oh well. As little as you allow them to know, the better. That way, if the cackling Hens wanna gossip, they will be making shit up. Which will make them look like old head asses in the end.
However, on a good note, so far, we've not met anyone with such a rep as we've been told the majority here have in that regard. Unless they are backstabbing and two-faced. We've not really had any problems. A lot of people here are real nice. Even some of the older people that have probably lived here all of their lives. So polite!
I think my problem here as far as sleep is concerned, is the fact that there are no planes constantly roaring over the houses, or Airforce Jets doing their daily flight formation training. No Spanish neighbors playing their crazy weird music that sounds the same all the time (almost the way techno can be). All there is now, peace, quiet, Bats and Bobcats. I may never get to hear gun shots on New Years Eve again, or fireworks on Mardis Gras. People here do not seem to even celebrate it, let alone know what Mardis Gras really is! God I may need to set a trend or something here. If they can have Christmas parades, and Football parades in the town square, then they can have some fun, and give eachother beads, party and have fun one weekend annually. Then again, the old fashioned may have issues with that too. *rolls eyes* geesh. What good is living if you cannot have some fun while you're living...here...on this rock.
Another issue as of late, the social unrest that has progressed in the worst way over in Egypt. That bothers me. It even kinda hurt to hear a man tell a reporter how they hated Americans because they feel we are not on their side. To be honest, I take no sides. But I am only one person out of billions. But I do know there are many who feel the same over here that I do. But will the damn media ever let them over in the Middle East know the whole truth? Hell no. That's all the media is good for anymore. Causing shit with many people all over, just to get their falsified stories they've trumped up to make things either look good for them, and bad for the little people. Screw the media! They're just as bad as the Papparazi as it is anymore!! And as my kids would say...they fail!
I just hope things get better over there. Not just for the rest of us that would essentially be affected as well, but for the people over there. I hope it turns out ok for all of them, and stays in the positive. Because whatever their actual underlying beef is with Mubarak (the TRUTH that is), they must have a good reason to feel the way they do. In all truth, either side may very well have their own individual heartfelt reasons for feeling the way that they do. however, I am not sorry to say I really hope none of the Islamic Brotherhood takes Mubarak's place. That would not be good for a lot of us, believe you me.
One thing that keeps nagging my mind is one simple question to ponder..."Why are "they" hell bent on causing things to happen in order to make Prophesies happen?"
Have a good night/day...wherever you reside. And be safe wherever you are.
Peace!
I have to wake up at around 9a/est. My sister will be coming over so we can take a trip to the store. One which is way out from the sticks we live in now. Heh...the sticks. That sounds hilarious. Being a BIG city girl and all. This is way different from what I am used to. And I miss the city. I miss my friends in the city. St. Louis is huge. And here I am in a small town, where you may as well be Norm from Cheers, everybody knows not only your name...but damn near everything they can get their ears on about you. I am not liking that so much. But oh well. As little as you allow them to know, the better. That way, if the cackling Hens wanna gossip, they will be making shit up. Which will make them look like old head asses in the end.
However, on a good note, so far, we've not met anyone with such a rep as we've been told the majority here have in that regard. Unless they are backstabbing and two-faced. We've not really had any problems. A lot of people here are real nice. Even some of the older people that have probably lived here all of their lives. So polite!
I think my problem here as far as sleep is concerned, is the fact that there are no planes constantly roaring over the houses, or Airforce Jets doing their daily flight formation training. No Spanish neighbors playing their crazy weird music that sounds the same all the time (almost the way techno can be). All there is now, peace, quiet, Bats and Bobcats. I may never get to hear gun shots on New Years Eve again, or fireworks on Mardis Gras. People here do not seem to even celebrate it, let alone know what Mardis Gras really is! God I may need to set a trend or something here. If they can have Christmas parades, and Football parades in the town square, then they can have some fun, and give eachother beads, party and have fun one weekend annually. Then again, the old fashioned may have issues with that too. *rolls eyes* geesh. What good is living if you cannot have some fun while you're living...here...on this rock.
Another issue as of late, the social unrest that has progressed in the worst way over in Egypt. That bothers me. It even kinda hurt to hear a man tell a reporter how they hated Americans because they feel we are not on their side. To be honest, I take no sides. But I am only one person out of billions. But I do know there are many who feel the same over here that I do. But will the damn media ever let them over in the Middle East know the whole truth? Hell no. That's all the media is good for anymore. Causing shit with many people all over, just to get their falsified stories they've trumped up to make things either look good for them, and bad for the little people. Screw the media! They're just as bad as the Papparazi as it is anymore!! And as my kids would say...they fail!
I just hope things get better over there. Not just for the rest of us that would essentially be affected as well, but for the people over there. I hope it turns out ok for all of them, and stays in the positive. Because whatever their actual underlying beef is with Mubarak (the TRUTH that is), they must have a good reason to feel the way they do. In all truth, either side may very well have their own individual heartfelt reasons for feeling the way that they do. however, I am not sorry to say I really hope none of the Islamic Brotherhood takes Mubarak's place. That would not be good for a lot of us, believe you me.
One thing that keeps nagging my mind is one simple question to ponder..."Why are "they" hell bent on causing things to happen in order to make Prophesies happen?"
Have a good night/day...wherever you reside. And be safe wherever you are.
Peace!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Introduction
A daughter of a Mother recently passed, and a long passed Father. A Mother of three, now teens. Oldest of which she finds hard to let go into this cruel world. Yet she knows she must
for him to make his own way as well. While letting him know there is always a home, where home has always been before.
Making the best of this unforgiving life as she can. Her anger shows in the wake of all the tragedies thrown like anvils upon her, in what seemed like 'one fail swoop'. JP doesn't know how to express her emotions anymore. She feels lost, waiting to be found. Amidst all she currently has, and is very grateful for...she still feels there is something more on the horizon. Her ride toward that edge is ever beckoning her to make a move. No matter how shocking, no matter what way. Only now she has her writing as the main tool she has to express herself in the best way she can.
Misunderstood, maybe untentional on her bahalf toward others. She knows that there is only the here and now she must live. So within the posts here to come, she will write her liberations. Whether it be random poems, thoughts, dreams or rants. To a more fluent and consecutive display of emotions hidden deep within...she reveals them here to you...the reader(s).
I want you to understand the me that makes me who I am. You may not know me at all at this moment. But wherever you are, you are not alone. Just as I have realized I am not alone either. We are in this hell together. And together is the only way we can get through it, and out. I want you to know what makes me tick (to an extent), because some people just don't get who I am deep inside. And because of this, they make lude and outlandish assumptions that only hurt, and push the huge ass RED BUTTON I know I do not like. There are those sicko individuals who seem to enjoy the fact that they've not only found that button, but they seem to stop at nothing thereafter in abusing it's existence. That internal fire that's burning, growing into a firey inferno of emotions. An anger that I only exhibit as my last and only line of self-defense. Yes, it is exhausting and draining. I do not like that side of me. Some believe I do, and they could not be more wrong.
In the following posts from here on out, I will also introduce you to the other me. The me that has been hiding since she was a little one. She's been protected for quite sometime now. At least what was left of her then. In doing this to whoever the reader(s) is/are, I am unveiling a part of me in small fragments. A part of me I never thought I would ever see or show ever again. She used to play, smile, laugh, giggle, pretend, care with the warmest compassion, pick and blow on dandelion puffs, and use the most vivid imagination! A gift that is hidden with her. Longing for dreams she may one day bring to life. Protected over the course of many untold years, due to unnecessary violence. Physical, emotional, mental, psychological and then some. A child that has been healing over and again...deep inside...here lies...the Fragments of Me.
~J
for him to make his own way as well. While letting him know there is always a home, where home has always been before.
Making the best of this unforgiving life as she can. Her anger shows in the wake of all the tragedies thrown like anvils upon her, in what seemed like 'one fail swoop'. JP doesn't know how to express her emotions anymore. She feels lost, waiting to be found. Amidst all she currently has, and is very grateful for...she still feels there is something more on the horizon. Her ride toward that edge is ever beckoning her to make a move. No matter how shocking, no matter what way. Only now she has her writing as the main tool she has to express herself in the best way she can.
Misunderstood, maybe untentional on her bahalf toward others. She knows that there is only the here and now she must live. So within the posts here to come, she will write her liberations. Whether it be random poems, thoughts, dreams or rants. To a more fluent and consecutive display of emotions hidden deep within...she reveals them here to you...the reader(s).
I want you to understand the me that makes me who I am. You may not know me at all at this moment. But wherever you are, you are not alone. Just as I have realized I am not alone either. We are in this hell together. And together is the only way we can get through it, and out. I want you to know what makes me tick (to an extent), because some people just don't get who I am deep inside. And because of this, they make lude and outlandish assumptions that only hurt, and push the huge ass RED BUTTON I know I do not like. There are those sicko individuals who seem to enjoy the fact that they've not only found that button, but they seem to stop at nothing thereafter in abusing it's existence. That internal fire that's burning, growing into a firey inferno of emotions. An anger that I only exhibit as my last and only line of self-defense. Yes, it is exhausting and draining. I do not like that side of me. Some believe I do, and they could not be more wrong.
In the following posts from here on out, I will also introduce you to the other me. The me that has been hiding since she was a little one. She's been protected for quite sometime now. At least what was left of her then. In doing this to whoever the reader(s) is/are, I am unveiling a part of me in small fragments. A part of me I never thought I would ever see or show ever again. She used to play, smile, laugh, giggle, pretend, care with the warmest compassion, pick and blow on dandelion puffs, and use the most vivid imagination! A gift that is hidden with her. Longing for dreams she may one day bring to life. Protected over the course of many untold years, due to unnecessary violence. Physical, emotional, mental, psychological and then some. A child that has been healing over and again...deep inside...here lies...the Fragments of Me.
~J
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