Well, yesterday was supposed to be fun. At least for my younger 2 kids, whose birthdays are a day apart. But, it didn't turn out that way. And ended before it really began.
Had a fun-filled evening trying to sober up my youngest son (16, soon to be 17), while his sister (also disappointed) was downstairs having "Happy Birthday" sung to her by her friends and all, AFTER my sister and her family had to leave amidst the drama that ensued. I didn't even get to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter or my then drunkin son. She will be 15 on the 21st, and he will be 17 on the 22nd.
But that "fun-filled" evening turned into a night at the Hospital, after my sister felt the ambulance should be called, since he never acts the way he did, and was in and out of consciousness. All the while, on and off, talking suicidal things I never thought I'd hear him say. This is my son! One who is very intelligent, and I thought would one day make the right decisions and maybe even change the world. I know we all make mistakes, but here I am seeing a pattern I do not want to even admit could change the rest of his life forever! He violated an already existing probation, that would have ended March 14th, and now I do not know what they're gonna do. I want what is best...THE BEST for him. For all my babies. I promise, I am not one of the social norms. But common sense is what I wish to use and instill. As well as morale, responsibility, truth, and good decision making.
He isn't a "Fuck up" as he had said. He just fucked up! We all have and do sometimes. We just have to brush the dust away and try again. Make it all better. We can change. We just have to want to change. Why he feels no one loves him, is beyond me. He says he is depressed. If only he'd get past this funk of life, and make it better. He includes how he hates life. Well, life can suck, we also have to defeat the adversaties that drop on us day-to-day. The fight is hard, but it makes us hella stronger.
My back is feeling way worse than it had before, and I do not want to tel the doctor really, but know I have to say how it is getting worse, and nothing short of sedation seems to be working. I don't want the surgery he said I may face. I just want it to heal!
I have to admit, I haven't been to my mother's grave in awhile. I feel if I do make it there (back pain even when I move feels like back labor), I will just want to lay there, cry and go to sleep. I miss her so much. Since she passed 2 days before my birthday, June 5, 2010, there has not been one day I do not have her in my thoughts. I cannot get her last words out of my head, even if I tried. They haunt me! Memories and her voice, her smile. I will never be able to hear her or see her smile or feel her hugs ever again. Me and my sisters Dad passed away about 13 yrs. ago, now our mom. Wow! I feel really empty on that level now. I have my kids, however, it's a different level of emptiness. No wish, tear, scream, or action in the world will bring either of them back. I want my mommy!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Another Way To Die
We go through life each day, usually on a daily routine. Everyday the same old thing. But for some of us, we have this inner voice that constantly speaks to us. Telling us we want more. We want something other than that daily, relentless, daily routine. We want to live!
Then we try. We make a move. A step out of bounds that the grid deems disobedient, insubordinate, defiant and rebellious. When you step out of their line, they find a way to throw a wedge at you. It may be a warning at first, or an outright punch in the gut. Whichever ball they throw, we have to learn quickly how to throw a curve ball right back at 'em, no sooner from the one they first throw. Sometimes, they place certain people in our lives to keep us on their track of things. To make sure they oversee just what it is we are doing, and become that rift between Freedom or Slavery. After all, you ARE their endentured servant.
When they realize you refuse to continue to be in their state of dronehood, their puppets, they get a hell of a lot harsh. This is when we come to realize this is more than just a simple test. This is a vicious game without rules. However, they make us THINK there are rules to follow, to go by to keep us in line. And if we dare to break them...g_d forbid! Take it a step further by reeducating ourselves in finding out certain untold truths along the way...this is when you become the threat. You're not supposed to speak out for yourself or that of another. You're supposed to be a model puppet in society, that abides by every damn lie they force you to live...if this IS living. The only other alternative they have as their own successful tool against us is FEAR. A tactic in a war far worse and opposing than any this physical realm can imagine. And once you come to learn this strategic move, and learn to overthrow it or better yet, overcome it, you have walked over to the other side. The more you embrace the other side that has now taken you under their wing, the more you should know you're not with THEM (slave master and it's minions) anymore. You are the slave master's enemy, as they are, and always have been...your enemy.
To not truly live, is to wither away and die. Proverbially speaking that is. You have dreams, aspirations you long to achieve and meet with open arms! But in order to get to this point, we find just how difficult THEY go our of their way to keep you from such a success/achievement. One slip up, you're then out of the boundaries of say...a law. They will play whatever card they wish to use against you. So we must prepare ourselves, and Rise Against with a strong hand and iron fist of our own! Take back what has always been ours. Freedom incarnate. Break the shackles and chains that were slapped on us to keep us in one level of consciousness. One level minded way of thought and 'way of life'. Stay in routine! Lest all you know be either stripped from you, or viciously tortured into conversion or compliance. If we do nothing, we get nothing. No result, comes from innaction.
So again I say, to NOT truly live, is wither away. It's another way to die.
Then we try. We make a move. A step out of bounds that the grid deems disobedient, insubordinate, defiant and rebellious. When you step out of their line, they find a way to throw a wedge at you. It may be a warning at first, or an outright punch in the gut. Whichever ball they throw, we have to learn quickly how to throw a curve ball right back at 'em, no sooner from the one they first throw. Sometimes, they place certain people in our lives to keep us on their track of things. To make sure they oversee just what it is we are doing, and become that rift between Freedom or Slavery. After all, you ARE their endentured servant.
When they realize you refuse to continue to be in their state of dronehood, their puppets, they get a hell of a lot harsh. This is when we come to realize this is more than just a simple test. This is a vicious game without rules. However, they make us THINK there are rules to follow, to go by to keep us in line. And if we dare to break them...g_d forbid! Take it a step further by reeducating ourselves in finding out certain untold truths along the way...this is when you become the threat. You're not supposed to speak out for yourself or that of another. You're supposed to be a model puppet in society, that abides by every damn lie they force you to live...if this IS living. The only other alternative they have as their own successful tool against us is FEAR. A tactic in a war far worse and opposing than any this physical realm can imagine. And once you come to learn this strategic move, and learn to overthrow it or better yet, overcome it, you have walked over to the other side. The more you embrace the other side that has now taken you under their wing, the more you should know you're not with THEM (slave master and it's minions) anymore. You are the slave master's enemy, as they are, and always have been...your enemy.
To not truly live, is to wither away and die. Proverbially speaking that is. You have dreams, aspirations you long to achieve and meet with open arms! But in order to get to this point, we find just how difficult THEY go our of their way to keep you from such a success/achievement. One slip up, you're then out of the boundaries of say...a law. They will play whatever card they wish to use against you. So we must prepare ourselves, and Rise Against with a strong hand and iron fist of our own! Take back what has always been ours. Freedom incarnate. Break the shackles and chains that were slapped on us to keep us in one level of consciousness. One level minded way of thought and 'way of life'. Stay in routine! Lest all you know be either stripped from you, or viciously tortured into conversion or compliance. If we do nothing, we get nothing. No result, comes from innaction.
So again I say, to NOT truly live, is wither away. It's another way to die.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
One of those nights
Today is one of those many nights, where I find I either have trouble getting to sleep, or cannot even sleep at all. Tossing, turning, nightmares, you name it. Sometimes, I feel hella tired during the day.
I have to wake up at around 9a/est. My sister will be coming over so we can take a trip to the store. One which is way out from the sticks we live in now. Heh...the sticks. That sounds hilarious. Being a BIG city girl and all. This is way different from what I am used to. And I miss the city. I miss my friends in the city. St. Louis is huge. And here I am in a small town, where you may as well be Norm from Cheers, everybody knows not only your name...but damn near everything they can get their ears on about you. I am not liking that so much. But oh well. As little as you allow them to know, the better. That way, if the cackling Hens wanna gossip, they will be making shit up. Which will make them look like old head asses in the end.
However, on a good note, so far, we've not met anyone with such a rep as we've been told the majority here have in that regard. Unless they are backstabbing and two-faced. We've not really had any problems. A lot of people here are real nice. Even some of the older people that have probably lived here all of their lives. So polite!
I think my problem here as far as sleep is concerned, is the fact that there are no planes constantly roaring over the houses, or Airforce Jets doing their daily flight formation training. No Spanish neighbors playing their crazy weird music that sounds the same all the time (almost the way techno can be). All there is now, peace, quiet, Bats and Bobcats. I may never get to hear gun shots on New Years Eve again, or fireworks on Mardis Gras. People here do not seem to even celebrate it, let alone know what Mardis Gras really is! God I may need to set a trend or something here. If they can have Christmas parades, and Football parades in the town square, then they can have some fun, and give eachother beads, party and have fun one weekend annually. Then again, the old fashioned may have issues with that too. *rolls eyes* geesh. What good is living if you cannot have some fun while you're living...here...on this rock.
Another issue as of late, the social unrest that has progressed in the worst way over in Egypt. That bothers me. It even kinda hurt to hear a man tell a reporter how they hated Americans because they feel we are not on their side. To be honest, I take no sides. But I am only one person out of billions. But I do know there are many who feel the same over here that I do. But will the damn media ever let them over in the Middle East know the whole truth? Hell no. That's all the media is good for anymore. Causing shit with many people all over, just to get their falsified stories they've trumped up to make things either look good for them, and bad for the little people. Screw the media! They're just as bad as the Papparazi as it is anymore!! And as my kids would say...they fail!
I just hope things get better over there. Not just for the rest of us that would essentially be affected as well, but for the people over there. I hope it turns out ok for all of them, and stays in the positive. Because whatever their actual underlying beef is with Mubarak (the TRUTH that is), they must have a good reason to feel the way they do. In all truth, either side may very well have their own individual heartfelt reasons for feeling the way that they do. however, I am not sorry to say I really hope none of the Islamic Brotherhood takes Mubarak's place. That would not be good for a lot of us, believe you me.
One thing that keeps nagging my mind is one simple question to ponder..."Why are "they" hell bent on causing things to happen in order to make Prophesies happen?"
Have a good night/day...wherever you reside. And be safe wherever you are.
Peace!
I have to wake up at around 9a/est. My sister will be coming over so we can take a trip to the store. One which is way out from the sticks we live in now. Heh...the sticks. That sounds hilarious. Being a BIG city girl and all. This is way different from what I am used to. And I miss the city. I miss my friends in the city. St. Louis is huge. And here I am in a small town, where you may as well be Norm from Cheers, everybody knows not only your name...but damn near everything they can get their ears on about you. I am not liking that so much. But oh well. As little as you allow them to know, the better. That way, if the cackling Hens wanna gossip, they will be making shit up. Which will make them look like old head asses in the end.
However, on a good note, so far, we've not met anyone with such a rep as we've been told the majority here have in that regard. Unless they are backstabbing and two-faced. We've not really had any problems. A lot of people here are real nice. Even some of the older people that have probably lived here all of their lives. So polite!
I think my problem here as far as sleep is concerned, is the fact that there are no planes constantly roaring over the houses, or Airforce Jets doing their daily flight formation training. No Spanish neighbors playing their crazy weird music that sounds the same all the time (almost the way techno can be). All there is now, peace, quiet, Bats and Bobcats. I may never get to hear gun shots on New Years Eve again, or fireworks on Mardis Gras. People here do not seem to even celebrate it, let alone know what Mardis Gras really is! God I may need to set a trend or something here. If they can have Christmas parades, and Football parades in the town square, then they can have some fun, and give eachother beads, party and have fun one weekend annually. Then again, the old fashioned may have issues with that too. *rolls eyes* geesh. What good is living if you cannot have some fun while you're living...here...on this rock.
Another issue as of late, the social unrest that has progressed in the worst way over in Egypt. That bothers me. It even kinda hurt to hear a man tell a reporter how they hated Americans because they feel we are not on their side. To be honest, I take no sides. But I am only one person out of billions. But I do know there are many who feel the same over here that I do. But will the damn media ever let them over in the Middle East know the whole truth? Hell no. That's all the media is good for anymore. Causing shit with many people all over, just to get their falsified stories they've trumped up to make things either look good for them, and bad for the little people. Screw the media! They're just as bad as the Papparazi as it is anymore!! And as my kids would say...they fail!
I just hope things get better over there. Not just for the rest of us that would essentially be affected as well, but for the people over there. I hope it turns out ok for all of them, and stays in the positive. Because whatever their actual underlying beef is with Mubarak (the TRUTH that is), they must have a good reason to feel the way they do. In all truth, either side may very well have their own individual heartfelt reasons for feeling the way that they do. however, I am not sorry to say I really hope none of the Islamic Brotherhood takes Mubarak's place. That would not be good for a lot of us, believe you me.
One thing that keeps nagging my mind is one simple question to ponder..."Why are "they" hell bent on causing things to happen in order to make Prophesies happen?"
Have a good night/day...wherever you reside. And be safe wherever you are.
Peace!
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